Goodbye 2015 || Hello 2016

As 2015 is drawing to a close I just wanted to share a little message with you all to wish you all the very best in 2016 and to explain a little about what has/is going on with my blog. 

2015 hasn't been the best year for me, in fact I'd go as far to say it was probably the worst so I for one will definitely be welcoming a fresh year with open arms!! I know I haven't been the most regular with my blog this year and I know I went MIA with very little explanation so I'll try to shed some light on that. I was going through a difficult, stressful breakdown of my 2 year relationship which as you can imagine was very difficult and something I didn't feel ready to talk about for a long time. It was a very unhealthy relationship and I am in a much better situation now. As I think most of you know, we both have a puppy together too so there was a lot to sort out regarding him, I do still see Luca and he is very much a big, positive part of my life. Then it's also my final year of university so that has been keeping me very busy because the work load for that is insane!! Lastly there was a lot of things that went on all around the same time which made my anxiety and panic attacks bad which resulted in me needing counselling and CBT at the mental health hospital. All of this was quite confusing and was a massive change to my lifestyle so I just needed to take a step back from everything which I hope you can understand. However, I am much better now and in a really good place with my life and have come out of it much stronger so please don't worry/feel sorry for me etc because I really am much better for it. 

I'm feeling super positive about 2016, I've said goodbye to a lot of negative people and moving forward I think this year is gonna be a good one!! I've got amazing supportive friends and family and I'm healthy and getting a degree and I'm feeling 100x better than I was this time last year. If anything I think it's made me much more grateful for what I do have. I promise I will be posting more on my blog especially after May when university finishes, it is my internet baby and definitely not something I intentionally stopped doing. Just sometimes life gets too much and I didn't want to put out half hearted content or come across as down and unhappy because I want my blog to be a happy place.

I just wanted to share that message with you as the year comes to a close because I post so much of my life on here and I feel it's only fair to explain my absence somewhat and to let you know that I'm still very much here. I also want to let you know that if you're going through a hard time at the moment then it does get better, just hold on in there and you'll come out much stronger for it, I promise.

So here's to 2016, whether you've had a bad 2015 or a fabulous one, I really hope 2016 is even better and that you all celebrate in style tonight!!

I love you all so much,

Lots of Love,

A 

♥

10 Things I Wish Everyone Understood About Anxiety

1) I know anxiety is irrational.

Believe me when I say I know, anxiety is irrational but repeatedly telling me I'm being irrational or ridiculous only makes things worse. We need your support not someone who's making you feel more pathetic than you already do inside.

2) It may look like we're being dramatic but that's because it is a big ordeal to us.

No we're not being drama queens, in fact most of the time people with anxiety HATE attention and would much rather someone else had the spotlight. Do you think I want to be struggling for breath and feel like I'm having a heart attack? Do you think I want to be constantly worrying over the smallest of things? no of course not, we wouldn't wish this on our worst enemy! So it may look like a fuss over nothing to you but to the person feeling that way it's massive.

3) Anxiety is a mental illness.

It's a mental illness, would you kick someones leg if it was broken? Would you force someone with a tummy bug to do something they weren't up to? No course you wouldn't, well its the same with anxiety. Sometimes we genuinely can't do something because it will make us unwell. I've actually been diagnosed by a doctor with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and have been prescribed both medication and counselling for it. If a doctors prescription won't make you recognise it as a mental illness then I don't know what will. 

4) Anxiety is more frustrating for the person with it than the person dealing with it second hand.

I appreciate my anxiety may be inconvenient and frustrating for you to deal with but believe me it's ten times worse for me who has to live with it every single day. So please don't feel the need to tell me how much of a pain it is because you're preaching to the converted.

5) Emotional bullying isn't the answer.

Telling me that I just have to get over it or deal with it won't help. I deal with it every single day by getting out of bed. If it was as easy as just getting over it then I'd have done it by now.

6) Anxiety is everywhere, all the time. There is no escape.

It's all controlling. Theres no way to quieten your mind, your thoughts are all tangled and everything becomes a worry. Most people would for example miss their bus and they'd be like oh no I'll be late or oh no thats a little inconvenient. However a person with anxiety feels like oh no I've missed this bus, what if the next one doesn't arrive, what if I'm late and my boss doesn't understand and they sack me and then I'll have no money and no job and on it goes... Every day simple tasks for someone with anxiety can become extraordinarily difficult very quickly.

7) Everybody experiences feeling anxious but not everybody has anxiety.

Anxiety and feeling anxious are not the same. It's normal for everyone to feel nervous before an interview or to feel nervous before a driving test but with anxiety your brain panics about things normal people wouldn't bother about. The most accurate and well known description I've heard for it is the car alarm theory that Zoe described, with anxiety you're that car who's alarm goes off at unnecessary things instead of the car alarm that only goes off when its actually getting broken into. For instance one of my big panic triggers is if I don't have water near me at all times, this wouldn't bother most people but for me I start to worry that I'll feel unwell, I'll pass out and if I don't have water with me then if any of those things happen, I won't be okay. 

8) Anxiety is not being awkward.

I'm not trying to be awkward because I don't want to do that thing. Chances are if I really don't want to do it or go somewhere its because it's something that will make me scared of having a panic attack. Thats the worst bit about anxiety is that you become anxious over feeling anxious and anxious that you might have a panic attack which in turn makes you more anxious, its a viscous circle. Chances are if I'm not doing something as a result of anxiety I probably feel worse about that than you do. Anxiety also makes you really indecisive so little decisions for me are a big deal because I like to think through every possibility so sorry I can't give you an answer right away but it's just the way my brain functions. Pressuring me to make a decision only makes it harder for me to make one. Instead we'd probably just prefer if you made the decision for us.

9) Anxiety comes with both mental and physical pain.

It's not just mental its physical. Headaches, upset stomach, insomnia and picking at the skin around my nails till its red and sore is just a few of the symptoms I have. Many others get more severe physical symptoms though such as heart palpitations, hot/cold sweats, painful muscles and a choking sensation. Meaning that if we say we can't do something because we're feeling anxious it could be more than just that fear feeling thats preventing us from going. Plus anxiety often leads to panic attacks which includes the heart pounding like its about to burst out your chest, hot/cold sweats, breathlessness, dizziness, feeling nauseous and this can leave you feeling exhausted. Your heart during a panic attack goes through a lot of strain similar to that of running a marathon so of course it leaves you tired. 

10) Sometimes a cuddle really helps.

Reassurance and comfort helps. Persuasion and ignorance does not. Ignorance is probably the hardest to deal with because some people won't understand anxiety and aren't willing to listen or learn. It's a very tricky illness to define to someone who's never experienced it themselves. The only way I can describe it is it feels like you have a little devil on your shoulder and no matter how hard you try to shrug him off, he still comes back, chasing you, telling you everything bad that could go wrong and how much you have to do but you'll never be able to do it in so little time. It feels like that devil is chasing you into darkness, into a tunnel and that theres no ending to this tunnel and the walls are closing in on you like times running out. There's not much another person can do to make this better other than letting you know that they're there, whatever you need they can get it for you. For me a cuddle helps I know some people find that suffocating but I personally like someone to be there holding my hand, rubbing my back or having an arm around me because that comfort helps. If you know someone who has panic attacks, ask them what will help them, they'll appreciate that you care enough to want to help. They might want a cuddle, they might want you to get them a glass of water or they might just want you to sit with them until it passes.

I hope this is relatable for those of you who do suffer from anxiety and if you don't then maybe it helped you understand what those who do feel like. That way if any of your friends or family feel this way then you'll know how to be understanding.

Remember 1 in every 25 people in the UK suffer from generalised anxiety disorder so it's well worth knowing about. The only solution to ignorance is education.

Lots of Love,

♥

Growing Your Confidence and Anxiety

Up until two/three years ago I was chronically shy. Not to say that now I am the most confident person ever but I now manage (for the most part) to go about my daily life and more without quaking in fear or feigning illness to avoid it.

 When I was younger I always used to hide behind my little sister. She would be like six and I'd be ten and I would make her ask for things in shops or if I was buying something she would have to take it to the till for me because I just had no confidence. If I ever had to do a talk in front of the class in school I'd get worked up and ill for weeks before and I'd often beg teachers not to make me do it- sometimes that worked and sometimes it didn't. If me and my family ate out in a restaurant I made my mum order my meal because I was just too anxious to do it- why? It all sounds so silly typing it out but for anyone who suffers from anxiety or chronic shyness then you'll totally be able to relate to this.

I was what I would call painfully shy, it must have been actually painful for people to watch. I just couldn't do anything, I wouldn't answer the phone, couldn't speak to people I didn't know, would never answer the door and I couldn't even answer the phone to people I knew. When I got to high school in the first few years I wouldn't spend any time with friends outside of school. I was so anxious that outside of school we'd have nothing to talk about or they'd see how boring I was and not like me anymore. So while all my friends went out and socialised I sat in my room and read books or played Sims, sad but true. I didn't know at this point I had anxiety, I just thought I was awkward and I hated myself for it but I couldn't find the confidence to change. School always made me really anxious, it was so unpredictable because I could be asked to read out loud, or asked to run an errand for a teacher or have to do talks so I would pretend to be ill as often as I could. I would snuggle down in my bed and read book after book so happy to not have to be at school and later on in school I developed anxiety around lunch time. I'm still not entirely sure why but I would get so anxious that I had to go home for lunch even though by the time I got home I only had like twenty minutes in the house. Then when my mum worked full time I couldn't go home anymore because it was too far to walk so I would walk to my grans which meant I had to run there, have 15 minutes in the house and run back. That for me was still better than having to sit in a crowded dining hall because it made me feel safe and less anxious. It wasn't until my last year at school when my gran couldn't have me visiting at lunch anymore due to circumstances that I was forced to go for lunch with my friends at school and actually started to enjoy what I'd once dreaded.

There's no exact solution for 'curing' anxiety and it is so much harder when people don't know you have it. That's the problem with mental illness and it is a mental illness, is that people can't see that you're not well so they treat you like everything is fine. So if anyone joked about me being shy or told me I was being ridiculous it hurt because it wasn't something I could actually help and that actually makes you hate yourself more. I genuinely am a sensitive person too so sometimes if people are joking about me -it's not funny and it does actually hurt?? The worst part is when people don't accept that and continue to act in a way that they know upsets you just because they believe it's silly to get upset over it. I've had people say horrible things such as call me bipolar, say I have no friends, call me names, laugh at me but do they really know that there is a war raging inside my head? With anxiety other people can't see your pain but you sure as hell can feel it. If people just stopped to think well why is this person tired, moody and upset.. maybe there's something more than just being 'grumpy' or 'awkward'. These were things said to me by people really close to me which hurt me deeply and is still something that makes me really sad. Something that really does help battle anxiety though is to do what you hate, do something that makes your heart race and your palms sweat because it works.

When I left school and had a massive holiday before I was to start university my mum and dad told me to get a job. I didn't want to because this was something that involved so many things that would make me anxious and panicky so they sent off applications for me. A week later I got an interview for a job at Tkmaxx which filled me with dread but I forced myself to go because I knew I couldn't avoid it forever, I practiced and rehearsed potential interview questions over and over and I went and it was fine - I survived and it wasn't too painful. I ended up being offered the job an hour after my interview so a positive came out of something that I had been scared to do. When I started the job it involved me answering phones from internal calls and also external calls (among other things) which as I mentioned before was something I could not handle. However, as it was my job I literally had to do it and I also had to make tannoys across the store. After having to do this for weeks and weeks I soon started to find that I didn't get that feeling in my stomach anymore and my hands didn't sweat every time the phone rang. This then transferred into me being able to answer my own personal call and my house phone and now I don't even think twice about picking up my phone and making a call. I do still like to plan out what I'm going to say (if it's not to someone i'm close to) but it's a massive improvement from where I came from.

That was when I really realised that if you push yourself out of your comfort zone, they soon become things actually in your comfort zone so by pushing yourself you expand your area of comfort and less things become fearful. I started accepting invites to go out with my friends and instead of anything going wrong I would have a good time and again this would boost my confidence. I would have family members laugh at me for having no friends, yes family but I did have friends I was just too terrified to see them outside of what was familiar to me. I guess you could say I was anxious about change too and still am. I stopped hiding behind other people and forced myself to do things that made me anxious e.g. ordering food, returning items, speaking to strangers. Years on and I now do so many things that only a couple of years ago would have had me crying the night before even simple things like meeting a friend.

Another big thing for me is faking it until you make it. I know it's a cliche but it's so true just think about it nobody knows you're shy unless you let them know. Nobody can tell by looking at you what your personality is like especially strangers that you'll only meet once. Just act confident until you naturally feel confident.

I forced myself to go on a plane last year on a family holiday to Italy because I knew I couldn't let this conquer me anymore. I had flown once to Paris a few years previous but it was still something that scared me and made me really anxious. The fear of flying led to me turning down to holidays to France and a holiday to New York with my friends which I would have loved had I had the courage to face the flight. I went on the plane and although I panicked and my anxiety was at a peak, I landed in Italy alive and safe having had no problems with my flight. Flying is never something that I will enjoy but I now would never turn down a holiday or allow it to be a factor preventing me from doing something I would otherwise enjoy!

At university now presentations are something I often come across and have to do. Do not get me wrong this is something that I still get very, very anxious about and is something completely out of my comfort zone but I do them. My last presentation was a 9 minute one and I genuinely sat down and thought I can't do this it's too difficult, what if I go red, what if I mess up, what if I stutter over words or fall over and this contributed to 60% of my overall module mark. Then I thought that could happen but I could also revise it really well, get a really good mark and feel really good about myself. I've not come through two and a half years of intense hard work to walk away with nothing over a presentation potentially going wrong. I did my presentation and you know what I got 70% in it which is a merit and my module leader said in her feedback that I'm 'really good at presentations' which are words I never thought I would hear. Now looking back I feel so silly that I nearly walked away from a law degree that I'd more than halfway achieved over something that could have potentially happened but didn't.

I'm not trying to say hey I'm so great, I beat anxiety because I haven't and I still have internal battles most days however you can help yourself to make anxiety more manageable. Think of it as an opponent and that everytime you don't do something because your anxious, it wins and you lose out. You really do lose out because you never know what will come from you doing things that scare you - you might meet 'the one', you might get your dream job opportunity, you might meet your best friend or you might just feel totally amazing that you have conquered a fear!

I'll let you into a secret- for many years I wanted to start a blog, since I discovered Zoella on youtube about four and a half years ago but I didn't because of anxiety. I was worried people would find it, judge me and think I was weird or that nobody would like me and want to read it so I didn't do it. I only started a year ago because of my friend and her mums persuasion and I absolutely love it and wish I had done it earlier. My blog has led to so many amazing opportunities for me that if I'd continued to hide away from I'd never have had and I've made so many amazing friends through it too.

Anxiety is a pain in the ass but it doesn't mean you can't thrash it down, throw water on the fire and make it a smaller pain in the ass. From doing those things that make you anxious and scared you will begin to build confidence, I promise you. I would loveee to hear your thoughts on this down below and let me know your experiences with anxiety. I'm so sorry if this post was too rambly and not your cup of tea but it was a spur of the moment post where I just poured out my thoughts and feelings but hopefully it will help someone out there.

Lots of Love,

♥